why do I still get so fucking angry! God damnit…sadkfohas;dfhaskdfh…fuck everything! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck..ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 

I don’t want to hate anymore. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I rather feel nothing. 

I feel like im literally losing my mind. Im not having rational thoughts..just want to do something Extreme. Lose all my inhibitions, or chop all my hair off or run out of this office screaming. I can’t focus. My thoughts are incoherent and all over the place. I feel like I NEED to do some irrational behavior in order to feel satisfied, to feel “PEACE OF MIND”…or what feels like peace of mind. FUCK…Am I going crazy?

I don’t care about shit right now. Everything around me can crumble and I wouldn’t give a fuck nor would I try to stop it. I feel like I need to be heavily medicated to establish some sort of order within me.  

fuck. fuck. fuck.

THIS IS NOT OK….

I. want. to. disappear. 

I have this overwhelming sadness looming over me today. I fucking hate it. I just want it to go away. I was so happy yesterday and feeling great about life. Today not so much. Guess I used up all my Happy hormones yesterday. Gotta spread them out I see. This is the worst feeling in the world. Fuck. My. Life.

The worst part is that I can’t get myself out of it. It’s like I’m stuck in the rut and just keep digging deeper. The WORST!

It doesn’t help that I’m clinging on to something that may or may not work. I’m holding onto faith, which scares me. It’s hard to have faith in things working out when your whole life nothing has worked out. But one would say looking at life that way is quite negative, I agree. It’s hard to fall out of habit when that has been your way of life for a while now. I always say I just want to be happy. Have the things that I want. I guess because I feel as though I never get what I want. Yet, I don’t see that I have more than enough.

My appreciation for things is lacking and always has lacked, unfortunately. Nothing is ever enough. Nothing. 

I need some peace…I don’t know how to find it or where to start to look….

Sadstory, I know.

Why am I always the last one to move forward with my life? Why can’t I be the one to be in a great relationship, with a great job, and w.e else that I wish? I think I’ve struggled enough in my life. I think I deserve a chance at happiness. What is the purpose of my life? What am I put here for? I can’t wait to discover the answer to these questions. I just don’t get it. Life is unfair. I get that. 

Do I have to be a shitty, meager, fucked up person to get what I deserve?

I guess I’ll keep trotting along this path and see where it leads me…

Divorced at 27 & still alone. Grad School drop out. 

#SadStory

Here we go again…wallowing in self pity…im so pathetic..smfh.

So disappointing. Let’s see how long this episode lasts…